


thinking you're beautiful (instead of hollow)

by bloodsuckersunshine



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Non-Graphic Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-16 05:14:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29201928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodsuckersunshine/pseuds/bloodsuckersunshine
Summary: In another universe, there is Andrew Minyard. It will only ever be Andrew.In this one, there is Riko Moriyama. It has only ever been Riko.Riko says, “Tell me, do I scald your skin?”And Nathaniel is a liar, so he says no, and dives headfirst into the flames.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Riko Moriyama
Comments: 8
Kudos: 20





	thinking you're beautiful (instead of hollow)

In another universe, there is Andrew Minyard. It will only ever be Andrew.

In this one, there is Riko Moriyama. It has only ever been Riko.

.

Nathaniel does not really have much in terms of reasons to live, other than some intricately embedded and inextricable part of himself that holds onto the world of the living—holds on with a burning ferocity to rival the sun. Then of course, there is exy. His lifeblood.

But there is also Riko Moriyama.

Riko, who has carved a home into all the spaces in his being where other people used to be. His father, his mother, perhaps even Lola. Nobody ever did ask before let themselves get seeped into his bones.

But Riko is an entirely different demon, and one Nathaniel is not entirely sure he wants to fight.

Riko, whose hands seem to have been made to bruise his skin alone and eyes that burn into every crevice of him left unfilled.

.

Playing is the only thing that makes Nathaniel feel alive.

Whenever he is on the court, his entire existence seems to fade into the background. There is no ache in his body, no desperation in his chest, no cacophony of catastrophe in his head. There is only adrenaline and skill, running golden in his veins.

He's running with the ball when he feels a gaze in him and oh—how stupid he is, _stupid little Nathaniel_ , to let himself look. It lasts only a second, but it costs him a little too much. Because he makes the mistake of looking over at Riko, who might be more thunderstorm than human. Just a split second of distraction. That is all it takes for him to go down.

The opponent's backliner collides with him head on, knocking both the breath out of him and his body to the ground. He does not realize exactly how long he stays down, but even though it felt like forever it must have been a few moments at most because the next thing he knows, Riko is standing over him. The expression on his face is unreadable, which is unusual since he makes it a point to make sure everyone in the general vicinity knows exactly who Riko Moriyama is and what he’s feeling.

But he only stares and stares, and Nathaniel forgets to remember the pain in his chest.

Later, they’re in Riko’s room when he pushes Nathaniel up against the door, lording the few inches of height he has over him. They are so, so close; so close the distance separating them feels aching.

He whispers, “You are going to ruin me, aren't you?”

And like a prayer for the rest of the night Riko presses his answer into Nathaniel’s skin, over and over and over again.

 _Yes_ , and _yes_ , and _yes_.

.

Jean is absolutely livid, and to say that it is a deeply unsettling sight would be somewhat an understatement. His eyes are burning up with emotions as he spits the words at Nathaniel.

“ _He is going to tear you apart and you are going to let him!_ ”

Later, Riko says, “Tell me, do I scald your skin?”

And Nathaniel is a liar, so he says no, and dives headfirst into the flames.

.

They are out on the court under the plexiglass, shrouded in darkness with something in the air between them that neither knows how to identify. In the dying light Riko looks like a phantom in all his ruined glory. Nathaniel is chasing a high he has never felt before from a drug he doesn't know the name of.

All he knows now are cages and canes and bones that only know how to break.

He does not even flinch when Riko presses his tongue into the number on his cheekbone. He wants to know what it tastes like. He wants Riko to say it tastes like blood and heartbreak and everything in the middle, but that just won’t do.

Riko says, “I want to tear you apart. Will you let me?” 

And Nathaniel might have been trying not to be a liar, but he still is one. So he takes his answer and leaves it on Riko’s tongue.

 _Never_ , _never_ , _never_.

.

They are both lying next to each other on the bed, staring at the ceiling in silence that burrows into the space between their bodies. Nathaniel doesn’t look into Riko’s eyes and Riko doesn’t look into his. There is something cataclysmic seizing his entire being.

He says, "Is this love?"

Riko turns his head to look at Nathaniel, who now has his eyes closed, and doesn’t say anything.

He never does.

.

Nathaniel doesn't know where they're going. For the first time Riko has let him behind the wheel of his car, under what twisted semblance of trust or ulterior motive, he doesn't know. All he knows is that he can see the stars above his head for the first time in god knows how long and he doesn't like it.

Oh, he doesn't like it one bit.

His entire being feels debilitated, feels like he's going to crumble beneath another touch of someone's hands. He's thinking he should be crashing this car instead of thinking. Thinks, _I'm going to do it_ , _I'm going to do it_ , _I'm going to do it_. Doesn't think about how he's going more over the speed limit than anyone in their right mind probably should. Thinks he's really going to do it, starts a dumb countdown in his head.

 _Ten_. _Nine_. _Eight_. _Seven_. _Six_. _Five_. _Four_ —

"Nathaniel."

Then he's slowing down, albeit with much reluctance, but Riko's hand on the back of his neck is more a threat than anything. 

Eventually he pulls over and then Riko is there, pressed right up to him when he can't even remember either of them getting out of the car. The road is deserted as ever, but it wouldn't make a difference to Riko even if it wasn't. Because—yes, the next words out of Riko's mouth are as reinforcing as ever.

"You are mine. Do you understand, Nathaniel? There is no escaping this. There never will be."

So Nathaniel says nothing and lets Riko kiss him empty. Later, when they're on their way back, the sun still isn't up and Nathaniel drives at a leisurely pace. He can't remember what he was planning to do.

.

He can't ever remember.

.

It is three in the morning and Nathaniel is pressing himself into Riko’s body until he can’t remember what it feels like to be apart. Riko’s eyes are barely focused, straying from the ceiling to Nathaniel and then back again. He is generally never passive, but Nathaniel is generally never so full of something in him threatening to spill over his glass shard edges.

Nathaniel thinks that maybe this is what dying might actually feel like.

.

He thinks it's funny, how he wasn't that far off in his assumption, because Nathaniel is pretty sure now that this _is_ what dying feels like.

Because he's on the floor, writhing and trying to stumble upright in equal measure, body painted by Riko in a way that it becomes just one big bruise. He thinks of not ever wanting to die lying on his back.

Thinks, _this is it_.

Gets up off the floor, heavily. Watches Riko watch him. Laughs. Lets his mouth keep spilling crimson.

Says, "This isn't love."

Hears Riko's response. Laughs again. Laughs until every ugly wound on his body reopens.

" _It never was._ "

**Author's Note:**

> sorry. i just don't know where this went. got the idea a long while ago, could only write these tiny bits randomly and now i know i'm far past being able to properly write it. decided to say fuck it and post whatever was in my notes and here we are. its 1am and english is my third language and i can't proofread for shit.
> 
> please do let me know if any tags need to be added, i'm too sleep deprived to focus and i might have missed something important.
> 
> if you're reading this, i hope you are okay. i love you. leave a comment if you have the energy to. i hope you are well.


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